


( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

by creativemica



Series: Spiderman Oneshots [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Awkward Conversations, Irondad, Peter is a Little Shit, The Author Regrets Everything, The Talk, lol I dunno what this even is, oooo shit, spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:07:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25067395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativemica/pseuds/creativemica
Summary: The title is odd lolthis is weird I dunnoPeter is innocentor is he really???Tony is awkwardthe sex talk is stupid, parents need to stop trying lol it's just never goodThis has been sitting around for ages soooooooo here ya goooooooo!I don't know what this is tbh.Probably something I wrote at like 3am.
Series: Spiderman Oneshots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754482
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





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Tony's heart fell out of his chest. 

A bra fell out of Peter's backpack.  
A bra.

A lacy, blue, thin bra. It was haphazardly spread across the floor.

He quickly dropped the backpack. It wasn't like he was snooping or anything. Peter had just left his backpack on the sofa and went to grab a soda before they started working on their latest project in the lab. Tony picked up the backpack to put it on the desk and the bra just fell out of his backpack. 

Not.

His.

Fault.

Tony's mind raced a million miles a second. Why did Peter have a bra? He didn't want to think about the kid's sex life but at the same time Peter was fifteen. 

Fifteen.

Tony tried to recall his fifteen year old adventures, some nights hazy from a full night of drinking whereas other nights were full of scantily clad women.  
He stopped himself right there, yeah so there was that possibility.. 

But! He thought of some other reasons.

Was Peter trans? (which was totally fine and Tony would 100000% support Peter)

Was someone messing with him?

Maybe this was one of Clint’s and Pete’s dumb pranks?

Tony stares at the bra on the floor. Peter had Spiderman duties, had the fake internship turned real internship with Tony, and on top of all that was his high school work piled onto his daily life. 

Where did he find the time to be sexually active? Was it the stress of everything? If this even was what it seemed like.  
Tony stops thinking before his mind goes places he doesn't want it to go.

But assuming that Peter was active, did he know all the rules? Did he know that he should use protection? Did he know about all the diseases? The consequences he might face if he isn’t careful. 

Tony's father never really gave him the talk. Well they never really talked, period. When his dad had figured out from the newspapers that Tony was caught in between women, he just threw a box of condoms at his head one morning and said "Don't get anyone pregnant." and that was that.  
Should he follow that same line of instructions? 

No, absolutely not, he didn’t want Peter to just go down hill like he did..

.  
.  
.

"Hey Mr. Stark, are you ready to go?"

Peter stood in the doorway. His soda in hand, he looked at Tony with barely concealed excitement. Peter loved working in the lab. He loved tinkering with things and more than that, it was fun just watching Mr. Stark work on his projects, the intricate details in the constructions and formulas used.  
Tony snapped out of his train of thought. He looked at Peter, fifteen year old Peter, with his big brown eyes and his curly hair. Peter who was basically a teenager with the energy of a toddler who had just woken up from a nap. 

Peter was still a kid.

Tony wondered if he needed to be the one to talk to Peter about this at all. He was just Mr. Stark (he wanted to be Tony but the kid really didn't want to let up on that whole thing). Why does this need to be his life, he didn’t even want kids and now he kinda sorta has one, a teen at that! But let’s be honest here Peter is more of a kid then a teen… sometimes. Sometimes he’s even an adult, okay sorry off topic, off topic.

Tony looked at the bra on the floor. Why did Peter have his bag half-opened and why did he have to have a bra inside the backpack anyway? Now that was the question. WHy thE fuCk dID a LiTTeRAl cHiLD hAvE a bRA iN hIs bAG!??

"Mr. Stark, you okay?"

Tony ran a hand through his hair. He tried to justify that Peter was just Spiderman, an intern, but he tried to think of the consequences if he didn't give Peter the talk.  
Baby Peters running around the lab, asking a billion questions in one second and destroying his life's work. Peter carrying a baby in his hands, wondering what to do when it cries. Peter quitting Spiderman and being his intern to take care of Peter Jr-

A talk was definitely in order.

Peter had now started walking towards Tony, whose face was in a blank stare.

"Hey, buddy, why don't we sit down?"

Peter stared at Tony.

"Okay?"

Tony lead Peter to the kitchen counter. Peter sat on one of the stools.  
Tony sighed running a hand down his face.

"Um, Mr. Stark, if this is about the-"

"So, we need to talk."

Peter laughed “What are you gonna break up with me?” He said teasing (THIS IS NOT STARKER DON’T WORRY IT’S A JOKE ON WHAT TONY SAID y’know the ‘we need to talk’ lmao)

Tony almost smiled if it weren’t for what he was about to say. 

He sighed again.

“Pete, kid.. you're a teenager, I understand. Things seem exciting and fun at first but you have to remember to be safe, okay?"

"Mr. Stark, I-"

Tony placed a hand on Peter's shoulder. Awkwardly. Peter wanted to dart to the nearest exit.

"It's okay, alright? I mean, when my father found out about my sex life he just threw me a box of condoms and told me not to get anyone pregnant. I mean, I would have done the same with you but you kind of sprung this up on me on such short notice."

Then Tony started babbling.

"I mean, I could probably go to my room and grab one but what would I do if Pepper were here? Tell her I had to give it to Spiderman because he suddenly decided to get sexually active?"

Peter's face turned bright red.

"Mr. Stark!"

"It's okay, kid! I mean, it was either this or the risk of tiny little Peter Parkers running around the lab, destroying my life's work, you know? So, I'm assuming you're smart enough to know how sex works but remember to always wear a condom. I don't want you catching STDs from whoever the owner of that very lacy and very thin bra I found in your backpack. They may say that you're their first but women lie, you know?"

Peter stopped being speechless for a second. His face was still flushed but confusion filled his thoughts.

"Mr. Stark! What are you talking about? What bra?"

"The bra in your backpack! Why do you even have it in the first place?"

Peter stood up and walked over to the sofa.

"So, kid, who's the lucky gal?"

"May!"

Tony quickly looked back at Peter. His features screaming WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!

"Kid, that's kind of disturbing. Why are you dating someone with the same name as your aunt?" Tony chuckled nervously.

"No, I meant the bra is hers!"

Tony choked on.. Well nothing but he managed to choke on SOMETHING. 

(¬‿¬) okay sorry sorry but my mind is corrupted by Satan himself. But if we're being honest you were probably thinking the same as me soooo you can't talk. 

"That's even more disturbing. What kind of relationship do you have?!"

Peter groaned.

"The normal kind! Sometimes the laundry gets mixed up. I must have accidentally picked it up while grabbing my other clothes. It happens."

Tony stared at Peter. Then sighed in relief, dropping his head into his hands and chuckling. His child was still a baby. He wasn't having sex. It was all just a misunderstanding. His mind whirred.

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. Mr. Stark, I can't believe you tried to give me the talk!"

"Well, what was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, ignore it and pretend it never happened?"

"That seems unhealthy."

Peter stared at Mr. Stark. This whole situation could have been avoided.

“I didn’t want your life to go down hill like mine kid, that’s why!”

Peter softened slightly “Yeah.. I know but- gOD this situation is awkward” 

They both laughed.

"Well, at least I know your aunt is still as foxy as ever."

Peter flushed with embarrassment.

"Mr. Stark!"

"Alright, kid. I'll stop it with the jokes. Let's pretend this never happened and go to the lab. That good?"

Peter rolled his eyes. His cheeks were still flushed but the worst was over. At least they both agreed never to speak of this again.  
Tony released a sigh of relief. Peter was still a kid after all.

"Besides, Mr. Stark, Wade would never get pregnant, so you can relax about tiny Peter Parkers running all around your lab."  
Tony spit out his drink.

Peter ran to the lab before Tony could give him another talk.

“PETER BENJAMIN PARKER! WHAT THE FU-”

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it! 
> 
> Hope that wasn't to scarring, but tbh there are some things I know you have read that are 100000 more corrupt than this. Looking at you right there. Stop reading smutty phanfics Susan. 
> 
> BYE


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